Evolving Family: Placing Blame

As a parent of two children I try not to compare my kids to each other. Since I have a girl and a boy, most of the time it is an easy task. Other times I find the way my children react to the same circumstance as a study in science, genetics and biology.  Each child approaches conflict in such a different way.

One child, who shall be referred to as "The Director" generally tries to control the conversation, making sure everyone has equal time and equal say, more of a "black and white" personality. The other child, who shall be referred to as "The Negotiator," usually tries to find a loop hole, looks for the exception, set terms and generally looks for balance.

The one thing that outweighs all else is that each child is very quick to place blame. Since I'm writing about blame, I want to make sure I place a good amount upon myself.  I am quick to point out when my child doesn't complete his/her chores or does something against the rules. But is that blaming or is it parenting? I feel that it all depends on the execution of the statement.

I am fortunate. My husband and I have very similar parenting styles, but our kids know how to push our buttons. We try to approach parenting with kindness, generosity and consistency, though I'm not sure my children always see it that way. One thing that we need to keep in balance is always being able to look at ourselves first before placing the blame on our children. They do learn from us.

Lately we'd had a rush of blame laid at our feet from "Why did you lock the car?" and "Why didn't you change the toilet paper roll? to "Where did you put my (insert anything here)?" and "You never let me do anything?"

My gut reaction is to tell my kids that "I wanted to leave you standing outside in the rain." and "I thought you needed to learn how to change the roll." to "I sold it." and "I'm taking you to prison right now. Don't say I never let you do anything." That is what goes through my head. It doesn't ever make it out of my mouth. Well, except for the statement about prison. It was funny at the time.

Instead I kept my emotions out of it and answered with facts. "The car self-locks after a few seconds." to "Let's find out who used the bathroom last. Some people find the roll challenging to change. Can you help?"

Sometimes the "blame game" becomes more popular than playing "What's right with you." That is the time that we take a step back and need remember there is always more right than wrong with each person.

Ways to stop the "blame game" and start playing "What's right with you!"

1) At the dinner table take turns saying one good thing that happened that day.
2) Say one good thing that each family member has done today.
3) Talk about positive news stories, not just the negative ones. Balance the good with the bad. There is a lot of negativity on TV, newspapers. There is also good stories.
4) Look for kindness.
5) The more we practice kindness, the we will see.


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